A WASTED DAY

Today was simply a waste. Worse than a waste it was draining. I rode with E up to Madison and there was little to nothing worthwhile for the trouble we went to. I wish I'd stayed home. This is a grumpy post. I am so glad to see Trish and be with my mom but honestly Tallahassee is a nightmare. I feel no love whatsoever for this place. Even if I had all the money I could possibly use; it wouldn't make me want to stay here. I really feel guilty when I focus on the negative but it's hard not to at times. I pray daily to be able to leave here.

Sunday

Back to my writing every morning routiine. Only to get myself back into the routine; not because I have anything important to communicate. I was sick for a few days but it seems to be passing. I need to call Lisa and Paddy and a few other people. I need a cup of coffee. I'll have to go out for it because I don't have a coffee maker. Sad. Writing when you have nothing on your mind is torture. Well, I do have things on my mind but they are personal. I can't write about them because I never want anyone to know just how screwed up and tormented I feel right now. I'm very angry and I don't know where to put this anger. I know it's 'justified' under the circumstances but to express it would be useless and only embarrass me. It would be like shouting at a brick wall; and where will that get anybody?

SATURDAY MORNING

As I read over my posts from the near and distant past I see such a hodge podge. This blog feels like a dumping ground for everything. Family obituaries; single mother struggles; entrepeneurial efforts - some successful, some not; bitching and moaning in general and in particular. Just a big gumbo soup of my life.. I don't know if I should start a separate blog and limit it to business interests and keep this one for personal or just let it stand. My instinct is to continue down the path I'm on because that does represent my daily life. Family, personal and financial. How I conduct myself in each arena does reflect my process; my perspective. And I guess that's my purpose in blogging; to give voice to my own outlook. Not just to 'share' with others but also to help me see myself. Sometimes I don't know how I'm feeling until I begin to write it and I don't know why I am that way but I know I have been that way for as long as I can remember. So good, bad or indifferent I guess I'll just keep on writing it all out right here. For now.

A CALL TO ACTION

" The pessimist complains about the wind,
The optimist believes it will change,
The realist adjusts the sails and takes full
advantage of available technology."
(author unknown)

UNDER THE SPREADING TREE OF SORROWS

I can't go into particulars; but let's just say that someone is having a very bad day (well, o.k.; that 'someone' is me). Today I let someone control me because I felt so sorry for their situation that I didn't know what else to do. And that is a stupid way to live. This 'someone' is a dear friend to me who has had life turned inside out for them in the last couple of years and yet, so have I and so have so many people I know. I'm not really much of a person if I let someone 'dump' on me and break their word to me and take me to task in the most outrageous manner just because their life has turned into more than they bargained for. And to compound the insult; this dearest of friends seems to think I don't care enough or perhaps at all about their pain, their sorrows. It's a lose-lose situation. I can get mad; I can feel hurt like I did today; I can write them off as a friend and go my own way. I don't want to do any of those things. I want to stay in the friendship. I want to be honest in a loving way when it's called for. I want to be true to myself. I just hope I find the strength, or the courage or the faith I need to do it. Otherwise I can not see a happy ending for this. And that is a shame. Because we all need friends; real true people who do care.

NORA IOLA CRAIN 2/20/1920-4/10/2009

April 15, 2009
Nora Iola Crain
Nora Iola Crain, age 89, Ozark, passed away April 10, 2009. She was born February 20, 1920 in Ozark, the daughter of Benard and Lola (Hannah) Bilyeu. In 1941, she married Arthur Roger Crain. She was a homemaker and lived throughout her life in Ozark. Iola was preceded in death by her parents; her husband Roger on January 25, 2009; a brother, Milburn Bilyeu; and sister, Irene Page. Survivors include two children, Dick Crain, St. Regis, Montana and Dale Crain, Hong Kong, China; four grandchildren; and three great grandchildren. Funeral services will be Friday, April 17, 2009 at 1 p.m. in Adams Funeral Home, Ozark, with Rev. David-Massey Brown officiating. Burial will follow in Selmore Cemetery, Ozark. Visitation will be from 5 to 7 p.m. Thursday in the funeral home.

TALLAHASSEE YOU OLD SO AND SO

There's a lot I could say about Tallahassee but after all I am a mother so I have to set an example. Suffice it to say that the only change I really see here is a slow shift backwards. No progress. Economically it looks like we are the poster child for the times. Culturally it is a wasteland. Oh well, we do have the new Harry Potter movie coming soon! That's probably going to be the cultural event of the summer here. Oh my God; why did I do this? Why did I come home? I am so so glad to see Trish and my mom and family. It was long overdue. I have missed Erin and my other friends. That also is good. But financially and emotionally I sure don't see how this is going to improve things. I hope it will and I'm working hard to make it 'work'. It seems like I made a big mistake.